Sometimes I just feel tired of being me. I think about what it would be like to just move away - sometimes it's to a big city like NYC or Chicago, sometimes it's to Hawaii or California - but I just think about what it would be like. I think about how I could start a new life and make all new friends and no one would know me. I think about how LLB and I would only have each other.
There are lots of other differences between these daydream-lives and my real life. I am getting married soon and plan to start a family soon after that, and my daydream-life usually involves not having children. It's not that I don't ever want to have children, clearly I do want to and that is why I am planning to. But I think about what it would be like to not ever have any. I sometimes think about what it would be like to not be able to have children. I know that it is terrible to say because there are people who suffer from infertility who desperately want children, but I sometimes think I would feel so free if I found out I was unable to have children. I do feel guilty for thinking that, but I have got to be honest and just admit that I do think about it.
Another daydream I have is about what I would do if I ever won the lottery. Would I work? What trips would I go on? This is a bit of an internal battle I have with myself because I think about all the places I would be able to visit - but then I think about how I would not want to leave my dog to do all of this traveling. Another internal battle - I would not want to work, but I would want to teach my children the dignity of hard work. I would want to teach them that you earn money and that it is not just handed to you. Would I buy a different house or would I fix this house up and just stay here? Who would I give money to and how much? Which of my dreams would I make reality? Would I open an animal rescue? Would I own a cafe or a boutique? Would I buy an old run down building downtown and fix it up to be a stylish mixed-use complex with retail, restaurants, office spaces and lofts? Would I volunteer for non-profits and charities?
I hope that thinking about what your life could be like is normal - I hope it is not a sign of instability or depression or something. I hope that I am on the right path and that the monotony of daily life doesn't get to me and eventually drive me crazy. I am really young and I am scared that I am getting bored with life. What is going to happen if I keep feeling this way for the rest of my life - or worse, what is going to happen if this feeling intensifies over the course of my life? I feel like we always do the exact same thing and we never do anything exciting or fulfilling. So I daydream about what it would be like to live a different life.
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I never grew up wanting kids. It's not that I didn't want them, but I never dreamed of them like lots of people do. I had my first kid at 26 and it was an eye opening experience. Because having a kid is really no biggie. That is the easiest part of the job. But raising a kid? WOW. It's the hardest and most rewarding experience you'll ever have. I don't think you can ever be truly "ready" for it, either. So much sacrifice, so much time involved. But it's the best thing ever. You learn so much about yourself, you grow from the experience, and you will have hours of joy and heartache, those things I can assure you of. Overall I highly recommend it.
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